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Taking authentic action when things aren't going so well

Joanne Sumner — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 19:11:23 +0000

What do you do when things aren't going so well? Maybe you're feeling down about something, frustrated or angry, or just plain bored.

It can be tricky to know what to do because there's a lot of differing advice out there... you can replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you can repeat affirmations, you can stand back and observe the feelings with detachment, you can act them out. You can make lists of possible action steps and prioritise, you can procrastinate, over-compensate, or you can do all of these things at different times with a variety of results.

And then there's the feelings you have about the feelings you have. 'I feel guilty for feeling bored'; 'This was supposed to be so much fun and I just feel depressed'; 'Why do I feel so angry? I should be grateful with all the things I have in my life', or perhaps 'it's only me feeling this...' as if your feelings are not important enough to take seriously.

Well. I'm with you. At one time or another I've felt, said or done all of these. And I've been thinking about what I now do, and what helps clients be at peace. Here are some thoughts and questions born of this exploration that I hope are helpful to you:

Have you worked out what it is you're really feeling?

We're complex beings, and often we'll cover one emotion up with another which we or those around us may find easier to accept. It's like the conscious eating question - am I really hungry or am I eating because I feel something else?

Have you allowed yourself to actually feel it?

I sometimes think that people rush to the doing bit without actually feeling first. And of course, it's not entirely surprising. If you're hurting, why wouldn't you want a distraction? the problem is, if you don't allow yourself to feel it, you can't let it go either. It just sits inside the body unacknowledged and seeps into all sorts of other situations, no matter how good at compartmentalising you think you are.

How deep does it go?

Emotions are connected with water, movement and change: they can overwhelm you like a tidal wave, but they can also wash away like a tide. If you are able to feel them in the present moment, there is often nothing else to do - just let the feeling wash into you and of its own accord wash back out. However, some feelings have been around for a while. Maybe something has been niggling you for a while but never felt a big enough deal to express, or perhaps you've been ignoring something because the implications are scary, or maybe there's a feeling from a long time ago that you are so used to it has almost become part of your character. The first step is being able to see what is there. So, be honest and most of all be KIND to yourself. Ask yourself questions - for example, what is the real cause of this feeling? does it help or hinder me? how would I like to feel about this? is this still current?

Choose what you want to happen next

What you want may be just to know yourself better, or you may want to change the results you're getting, or you may have discovered a deep vein of need or a feeling of lack (of love, of attention, of acceptance) that you want to start healing. There is no right thing to want, but to begin any process of healing or transformation at whatever level you do need to be authentic. For example, if you are grieving for a lost love, your reality may be - I feel utterly bereft, heart broken and lost. The thought of 'action' or feeling whole again may just be too much, too incongruent. In which case, finding a way to love yourself in your heart break, and to keep checking in with 'what do I feel now' may be your very best course. And periodically reminding yourself 'This too shall pass'.

Taking action

Once you know what you want, you can begin to ask:

- what resources, tools or techniques do I have to draw on, that I know have worked in the past? (bearing in mind these could be very simple!)

- who can help me make this change and who can help me feel supported, valued and loved while I make this change?

Emotions are an integral part of our human experience: indeed they are largely how we experience. This is good news and slightly less good news! If you continually experience a feeling of lack or overwhelm, you have both the power and the responsibility for changing your experience. There is no use looking outside of yourself for someone to blame. You are responsible; and you can effect change.

A new approach to a new year

Joanne Sumner — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 13:36:56 +0000

I am writing to wish you a blessed and beautiful year ahead. I have spent a lot of time over the Christmas break resting and reconnecting with what's important to me in my life, my relationships and my business, and allowing myself to grieve and let go of the pains and losses of 2009 (as well as celebrating its achievements). Most of the messages you will get at this time of year, I am sure, will be some combination of exhortation to new and better things, to keep those new year's resolutions, or to change life or you in some way or another. And there's no doubt, this is a wonderful time for a fresh start. However, I wanted to offer you another way of approaching this urge to transformation that I hope provides a more solid foundation on which to base your forward movement and achievement.

For me, the old Taoist meditation of kind eyes, open heart is a wonderful starting point. A version I particularly like and often use starts from the point of view that we are all children of the universe that deserve, need and can give to ourselves ongoing, unconditional love in our adulthood. Acceptance of who we are, as we are, is deeply liberating. And a loving attitude towards one self, practiced regularly, creates a far more resourceful state from which you can go about doing all the exciting new things that come with a new year than a rush to improvement, to do better, that risks the internal response 'it's never enough'.

How? finding a time when you know you won't be disturbed for about 20 minutes or so (after lunch is ideal if it's practical for you), make yourself really comfortable, allowing yourself to slouch forwards, or even to lie down in a semi-foetal position. the aim is to cut yourself off from external stimuli and create a cocoon of bliss. Feel yourself held in loving arms and turn your attention inwards, seeing a point of light in the middle of your brain. It grows with your attention becoming a beautiful pearly white light bringing a deep feeling of compassion. The light spreads forwards into your eyes, so you can literally feel them fill, and down into your heart. As your heart fills with the light of compassion it begins to open filling and surrounding you in love. You are love. Now begin to look down into your body, scanning it for any places where you feel discomfort, pain, difficult emotions. Each time you find something, look on it with infinite kindness and embrace that feeling or tension or pain into your heart. Accept it, love it and let it melt. When you are finished, just rest in the feeling of softness that you have created inside. When you're ready to come back into the day, just make sure you have a good stretch, feel your feet firmly on the ground and make sure you feel properly awake and back before you move on to the next thing.

Why? because in showing yourself the kind of unconditional love that you would show a tiny child, you allow complete relaxation and release from fear. This allows your natural creativity and flexibility to flow; it helps you change your perspective and forgive yourself any perceived mistakes; and it releases tension and tiredness giving you time to recuperate and renew. Most importantly of all, it is a way of attending to your state of 'being' rather than 'doing', and the former is always more transformative than the latter.

I hope that this simple exercise is one you will use time and again, to look after yourselves and to create some magic inside this year, and if I can be of service with healing, wellbeing or direction-setting please let me know.

Full Moon Meditation

Joanne Sumner — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 14:57:30 +0000

Sit down somewhere comfortable with your spine erect. Close your eyes and spend a few moments tuning into your body. How is it feeling? Are you tense, tired, enervated, relaxed, soft?

Let your breathing begin to slow of its own accord, and begin to follow the breath to your heart.

Breathe into your heart filling it with white light.

As you breathe into it, your heart expands until it is so large it enfolds you completely. It is the shape of a pale pink lotus flower and you are seated at its centre. Take a moment to enjoy the beauty of this perfect flower.

When you’re ready, lie down so that you can look up at the night sky overhead. It is lit by an enormous full moon – shedding so much light that the lotus flower opens as if it was the sun.

Feel the light bathing your body – it is a soft, silvery, gentle light – like a silver shower. Let it wash away your cares or negative thoughts.

This light is the light of unconditional love. The love that accepts without judgement; that sees only the perfect truth in each one of us – our magnificence, our specialness, our unique wonderful spirit.

Breathe the light into your body now, through the crown of your head, and let it fill the left side of your body first. It fills your left leg, your left hip, your left arm, the left side of your torso and head, and then it begins to fill the right side, from the leg to the top of your head. You are completely filled with unconditional love, compassion and forgiveness.

Forgive anything that you feel you have done, or that others have done. Forgive completely, right now, feeling the weight of unforgiveness just fall away. Ask Kwan Yin, goddess of compassion for help if you need to.

Spend some time in silence, feeling the wonder of being completely filled with love.

And then, when you are ready, thank her and say goodbye. Release the visualisation of the moon.

Return your attention to your breath and let the lotus flower begin to close up and become smaller, until it fits inside your chest again. Breathe deeply bring your senses back into your body.

Feel your feet firmly on the floor, and when you’re ready, come back to the room.

Finding your feet

Joanne Sumner — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 13:24:56 +0000

Many people have said to me that they are feeling the pressure at the moment – whether its pressure of work, building an income, family or environment, or trying to carve out some meaningful leisure time. Not all this pressure is bad; indeed in several cases it is the success of a venture that’s bringing with it a certain amount of stress and fear of failure. And in other cases, there’s a feeling of just keeping going in the midst of a veritable hurricane of events and illnesses and ... you name it!

So I wanted to offer a few simple words on managing stress by finding your feet. Literally and metaphorically.

Take a moment now. Right now. Place your feet flat on the ground and connect with the ground beneath you.

Feel into the tips of each toe, the ball of your foot and the width of your heel.

Notice the void where your instep is and the length of the side of your foot. Isn’t it amazing how long it is?

What does connecting to the ground beneath you feel like?

Do you tingle, buzz, press down, spread out?

Are you hot or cold?

Just feel the feeling of touching the ground and knowing that you are this moment connected to the whole earth – extending in all its vastness to every side and beneath you. Isn’t that just amazing?

Now, let go any stress you feel doesn’t help you exhaling through your mouth and let the tension drain away into the earth.

Breathe.

And now, go back to whatever you were doing (if it was the most appropriate thing to be doing) and enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for taking the time. Do this again whenever you need to let go.

Inspiration

Joanne Sumner — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:58:50 +0000

I wanted to share with you this wonderful quote from CS Lewis, which a beautiful friend and colleague shared with me:

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

How does this open life up for you?

Cappuccino Connections

Joanne Sumner — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:37:07 +0000

Cappuccino Connections is an Athena Network intitiative (www.theathenanetwork.co.uk) offering local business women an opportunity to connect in an informal way, at monthly drop-in coffee mornings.

If you are a business lady in West London and would like to meet other fabulous and inspiring women, then please do join us at Cappuccino Connections on the first Tuesday of each month, 10am-12pm at The Globe Bar, Chiswick Moran Hotel, Chiswick High Road, W4 5RY.

For only £3 you can build those essential business relationships in a fun, friendly and productive manner. So do drop-in, even if only for half an hour. We would love to meet you.

Don't forget to bring your marketing material!

The Power of Networking

Joanne Sumner — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 10:52:24 +0000

Yesterday I attended another Athena Network event and once again I was struck by the power of networking - in this case, focused networking with a group of women committed to growing their businesses and helping you to grow yours, while also having a good laugh and providing moral support in a difficult economic climate.

As I was mingling, I found myself watching closely to see how these productive business relationships (and friendships!) have been built so quickly. And the answer was the consistent desire to understand the other person's business and seek to add value to it, wherever possible.

It's not always easy to do that in a networking situation - especially if you're worrying about justifying the expense, and getting leads as quickly as possible - but it is the key to having a satisfying experience, and to growing your network with people who remember you, the value you add, and who are motivated to help you in return.

So, be brave and put the other person first! and if you are interested in seeing whether a women in business group could help you grow your business, then check out the Athena group near you. www.theathenanetwork.com

Looking forward

Joanne Sumner — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 09:15:59 +0000

Having received quite a few New Year, New You messages already – as one would expect – I started to question the premise of this idea. Which is that there was something wrong with the old you. Isn’t it more probable that there is rather a lot that is wonderful and inspiring and glorious about you, and this year simply offers more and different opportunities to shine?

The ending of the old year is often a time of soul-searching and its all too easy to slip into musing on all the things you didn’t yet do, forgetting all the things you did, and beautifully, in ways that added value to other people’s lives. Well, this year, I encourage you to focus on all the things you are grateful for now, in yourself and your situation, and to use the exercise of looking back to show yourself just how far you’ve come. When I do this, I can see how old patterns of thought and behaviour that no longer help me are being overcome, and I feel my confidence grow that I will discover even more freedom this year. And even if I didn’t – even if I stayed frozen in a moment of time – I would have value as I am now. And just so, we each of us are loved and valued now. By friends, family, colleagues and those who have yet to meet us.

Now, isn’t that a more powerful place from which to make choices about what you want in 2009?

I wish you the very best for the year, confident in my belief that you already have within you everything you need for this year to be a great success.

What if you could...? - only one more event in 2008!

Joanne Sumner — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 12:59:14 +0000

There is only one more opportunity to experience this event in 2008 – on Sunday 5 October. So, to reserve your place, please book here: event booking or contact me if you would like to pursue a similar programme on a one-to-one basis, link to email.

The website is up and running!

Joanne Sumner — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 12:31:21 +0000

Welcome to my new website. please feel free to have a browse...